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DON’T FORGET TO READ CHAPTER 10 :
10. Best Breakup Ever : Blood In, Blood Out
11. Scattered Thought Written : January 21st, 2019
Don’t Argue
For future reference, I respond with the following phrases to either end, or prevent, an argument :
– I understand your perspective.
– You win. I lose.
– You’re right. I’m wrong.
– I’m not attached.
And my personal favourite …
– “The Tao does nothing but leaves nothing undone …”
I don’t argue for two reasons. For one, if you’re not in my circle, there’s absolutely nothing to be gained from arguing. Both parties leave feeling hurt and the entire experience is unnecessary. Secondly, if you are in my circle, I value our relationship more than I value being right. Thus, I’d much rather give in, allow you to be right, for the sake of having peace, than harm our connection.
Now, that’s not to say that I don’t have disagreements in my intimate relationships. However, these disagreements are handled with discussions and not with arguments.
I explained in Chapter 6 how the circle mediates conflict, but I’ll quickly touch upon it again. I begin by telling the person I love them, I assume good intentions (rarely do your loved ones intend to hurt you), I explained how their behaviour hurt my feelings, I hear their side, in the end we hug one another and let it go.
This is how I mediate conflict, however, this is not my initial reaction. Remember, I am a human being. Initially, I feel angry and truly hurt. So, I simply ask the person for time and space.
With time and space everything eventually falls into place …
With the space apart and time to reflect, I settle into the pain. This is when I feel the reactions – alone. I make space for the sorrow, hurt, and anger. But I do not live there. After feeling all of the feelings, I choose how I will respond. Remember, you always have a choice as to how you the respond. Your response is your responsibility. Response. Ability (Chapter 9).
The reason I don’t argue is because it provides no option to see another perspective. In arguments, both parties dig their heels in, identify with their perspectives (this is problematic because you believe that if your perspective is wrong, then you as a person must be wrong, and that’s just not the case.), and simply cast judgements (Read Chapter 10 for an in-depth perspective of how choosing non-judgement leads one to being more compassionate).
In the past, I’ve caused a lot of hurt because I wouldn’t let go of a point. My ego bounded me to my perspective and I hurt some beautiful people in my past. Moving forward, I would sacrifice my perspective for the sake of the relationship.
Now, choosing not to engage in arguments does not mean I agree with the person, or that I will do what they ask. It just means that I won’t engage with them in that state. I will do nothing until we have a healthy, respectful compromise after a long discussion.
At times, the compromise after the discussion may simply be that we choose to disagree peacefully, and respectfully make different decisions.
I’ll end these string of thoughts with my favourite German phrase that encapsulates the unnecessity of arguing.
Du hast Recht und ich meine Ruhe.
This roughly translates to, “You are right and I have my peace”.
Keep the peace. Don’t argue.
- K.S. Fort
Note : This book is still a work in progress. It will be available on Kindle in about four or five months. I will post different sections periodically, but for the most part, the book in its entirety will be made available later this year. However …
While you’re here …
Feel free to download a free PDF of my 48 page memoir, “Two Weeks to Dream”. It details my journey traveling through Amsterdam and Brussels and uncovering my perfect-self.
Free PDF of “Two Weeks to Dream”
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